So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
