your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
