I was born with a shot glass in my hand
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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