I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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