So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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