My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
