So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
