so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
