well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
