I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We are all done wearing pants today
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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