Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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