please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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