new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
