The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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