I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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