my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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