The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
