plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
