i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
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