Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
