I think my fart just growled at me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
