My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
