All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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