walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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