Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
