You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
