I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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