I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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