Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
