apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
