I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
