Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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