i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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