I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
