Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
