It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
