You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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