I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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