the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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