ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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