we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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