How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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