Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
