blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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