I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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