So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
