Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
