it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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