I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
