Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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