and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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