Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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